I've started a blog! It is true. And I did it for a very specific reason, to wit: a while ago, I did a personality test and it changed my life. Or, you know, it was supposed to change my life. This blog was to be a part of that Ongoing Project of Life-Altering Awesomeness! Allow me to explain myself: I don't normally while away my idle hours with personality tests or Internet quizzes*. Several months ago, however, my former housemate convinced me to take one, because it was, apparently, really good. And I was intrigued. "Very well, Internet," I said to myself. "Judge me!"
And, lo, the Internet spoke to me with Wingèd Words. (Also GIFs. The Internet does that, sometimes.)
"You are an enthusiastic person," quoth the Internet. I agreed. "You like people," the Internet went on, and I was again moved to agree. "Unfortunately, sometimes your enthusiasm gets in the way of… well, getting things done, and so basically you have lots of almost-finished projects that you end up never completing and you will end up unsatisfied and unhappy because, unfinished projects, and then you’ll get some cats and cry into their fur. Never having accomplished your dreams. BYEE."
People. The Internet KNEW me. And its prophecy struck fear into my heart. “Let it not be so!” I cried out, but the Internet did not respond. It had spoken. Determined not to let this come to pass, I said unto myself, “I’ll start a blog! In this blog, I’ll write things and also list weekly challenges – projects that have to be completed! That way, I can keep track and also litter the Internet with opinions on pop-culture, something, I feel, that it’s sorely lacking.”
But then I forgot about it. As is my way! Now that I’ve remembered it again, though, it will be my New Major Project. That way, I can actively work against having to spend my golden years sobbing in front of mildly scornful cats. In short, it’ll be a blog about: things I read (a thing I do a lot), watch (also a thing I do a lot), and things I think about the world and what happens in it. Warning: I also intend to deploy the word ‘problematic’ with frequency and deadly accuracy, as that is definitely something I do a lot.
To start it off, here's one very brief review of a film I watched during the winter holidays!
The Hobbit
I’ll not lie: I was pretty excited about The Hobbit. As a child, I was a humongous Tolkien fan, and could frequently be seen wandering the city streets in a dramatically billowing cloak. But time passed, because that is what time does, and I laid aside my Tolkien ways for other pursuits. So when I went to see The Hobbit, I was at once nostalgic and slightly nervous – what if I didn’t like it anymore? That was my childhood, right there! What if it all just went up in smoke over the period of three hours, augh, come on, Peter Jackson?
And I didn’t like it anymore. But that was fine! My tastes have changed. The Hobbit is a bit of a bro-fest and, at the moment, I am not that into watching twenty old dudes bond in a beautiful but wild landscape. But that one shot of an elf riding a giant elk? That was inspired. Here are some choice scenes for you!
AZOG: GAH. I hate not having an arm! I’m just going to shove this fork in.
HENCH-ORC: Azog, man, don’t do it. It’ll get nasty.
AZOG: No, I’m going to do it! Watch me!
HENCH-ORC: Azog, you won’t be able to lift anything! It’ll tear. Believe me, it’s not…
AZOG: OH MY GOD IT HURTS.
HENCH-ORC: We follow you for the charisma, not for the brains.
GALADRIEL: Gan…dalf… I… agree… with… El… rond…
GANDALF: Galadriel, are you focusing on this meeting? This is serious business!
GALADRIEL: I… am… focusing…
GANDALF: You’re having a telepathic conversation with Bombur, aren’t you?
GALADRIEL: Dwarves… know… many… rude… jokes…
AZOG: …and the five-hundred-and-seventh reason my new arm sucks: I can’t scratch myself without bleeding profusely.
HENCH-ORC: Perhaps you should get a style that matches the arm? Build yourself a new image.
AZOG: You’re right! I shall be AZOG of the FORK ARM of DOOM. I'll start scowling more. And maybe send someone out to find me a fierce warg that matches my skin tone!
HENCH-ORC II: I hate everything about this.
AZOG: Over-the-top evil, here I come!
DWARVES: We are a rough bunch!
ELVES: Oh, my. Would you like a garden salad?
DWARVES: Real men don’t eat salad.
ELVES: Very well, then, we shall compose a lay about your beards. On the harp. In a song that can only be heard in starlight!
ME: You ALL need to widen your social circles, seriously.
GWAIHIR the EAGLE: We shall carry you, little ones, out of the fire… (the eagles fly and it is beautiful.)
GWAIHIR: …and onto this mountaintop that’s ages away from where you need to be. Bye!
ME: Wow. Eagles are dicks.
*Except sometimes I do ones to see which magic power I’d have, you know, just in case.
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